Flare for dramatics
by deejaymcknight
Summary: Shepard has a new power and it's tearing her team apart. *HUMOR ONE-SHOT* Femshepley is implied because why the hell not. Enjoy


This one-shot hit me while I was haphazardly running through an insanity playthrough with my Vanguard Shep and I had to stop playing because it amused me far too much not to write. This is why you don't throw back three redbulls in a row boys and girls, you write things like this.

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Aside from the confusingly awkward (not to mention pretty solid) kiss that was given to her after helping Aria take back Omega, Shepard was gifted with something else. The Asari taught her Flare after numerous instances of begging and pleading. She was pretty sure that it was only done so that she would stop with the 'big, sad, human eyes' but either way she had herself a new power and dammit did she love it.

Hours upon hours of training while they traversed the galaxy had honed it into a weapon of mass destruction, wiping away most enemies that were unfortunate enough to be caught in it's grasp. Shepard was proud of herself, it made the vanguard feel unstoppable even just for a little bit. The enemies they faced on the ground were nothing but space rock crushed under her boot, which helped with the looming threat of giant galaxy-ending creatures that waited in the skies above.

On a day like any other, Shepard stepped out of the elevator on the third floor and made her way towards the mess to secure herself some food before the good stuff was gone. She always knew to show up early, especially when there was some form of fresh...well, anything that didn't have the aftertaste of freeze-dried varren ass. Today was one of those days, but when she saw the mess empty she grew skeptical. "More for me." She shrugged, announcing into the openness of the third floor before she heard the sound of doors locking.

Her senses were on high alert as the crew stepped out from various stations around the floor. Everyone was there, eying her as she put her tray down and slowly reached for her drink; trying to keep her gaze on each one of them. "Can I help you all?" she asked skeptically, watching as EDI stepped up first, hands behind her back as always.

"Shepard, we've convened this meeting because we all care about you immensely. But we also care about our own well-being as well." The smooth voice always _had_ been a blunt one, but this time it was completely lost on the Commander. Ashley seemed to catch onto this, sighing as she stepped forward, warily moving away from the body that had pummeled her back on Mars. She knew EDI was on their side, but it didn't stop her automatic defenses from shooting up at the sight of the former doctor's body.

The Lieutenant Commander cleared her throat and tried to break it down a bit. "We needed to get you somewhere that we could all talk to you about something, Skip." She used the old nickname gently as she sat down across from the now furrowed brow Commander. "It's the Flare."

Ah, Williams. Always cutting to the point.

"What about it?" Shepard asked, a bit defensive over her new favorite toy. This felt suspiciously like the time everyone on the SR-2 sat Garrus down and told him he needed to calm down the calibrations. Almost like... "Wait. Is this...are you guys...is this an _intervention_?" She sat back, hand on her chest as she gasped. Sneaky bastards.

Their looks were all the answer she needed but then James spoke up. "Lola, look. We all know you kick some serious ass with that blue glowy stuff but you gotta realize something...your aim kinda sucks." Okay, that was uncalled for. Just for that she allowed her body to get it's blue aura on, a hard glare focused right on the man who quickly stepped back, eyes wide. She wasn't going to do anything but dammit that was funny.

"Shepard. C'mon now. Remember back on Omega, when I was holed up in that two-story and you crossed my path? Remember how that shot felt? Pulled your shield right off, didn't it?" Garrus spoke now, mandibles adjusting as he sat down beside Ash, who raised a brow at the notion of Garrus shooting Shepard and actually getting away with it. She sure as hell missed a lot when she ex-communicated the other woman.

They were ruining her meal, her delicious non-varren ass resembling meal. Fork down she put her elbows on the table and extended a finger towards the Turian. "How is that even the same thing? You shot me! Me! With a gun! And don't start with the concussive rounds bull. Those things hurt all the damn same." She was on the defense even moreso now, looking at anyone to take her side. It looked like she was out of luck though, as Liara stepped up next.

Usually the young Asari would be on her team for just about anything, some strange school-girl crush that at times frightened her. The Shadow Broker could find out quite a few things that one didn't want people knowing. But this time, she was the lone wolf. "What we are trying to say is that you tend to get a little...trigger happy in the midst of battle. And while that isn't always a bad thing when you take into account the numerous enemies that pour out from every direction and their firepower and-" A few people cleared their throat and Shepard swore if an Asari could blush... "My apologies." She grew quiet once more and Ashley groaned. Why was she stepping in for people as the spokes person of this ragtag intervention.

"You strip our shields when you throw that damn thing. It's like you completely neglect the fact that we're on your team and not the enemies. Hell, we even wear the damn blue armor so you can tell us apart and yet every mission we go out on we're in the medbay with biotic burns because you aim like a drunk in the latrine...ma'am." The brunette shifted a bit in her seat, realizing how quickly she allowed her formalities to slip away. Really, she needed to get a grip on that in front of other people. Around Shepard? Yeah it was alright, but after the incident at the Citadel party that almost resulted in a very awkward shift in her relationships with half the crew...she figured she should tone it down.

Shepard blinked a few times as she scanned the room, everyone nodding along with what Ashley had said. She was friendly firing at her team and she hadn't even known that she was! She had always prided herself on her biotics but ever since she'd been given the gift of a new power she felt like...what did the Volus that Kasumi wanted to keep call it? Oh right. A "Biotic God". It felt good and apparently it was bad to everyone else. What does one do in a situation like this though? Do you apologize? Say that you won't do it anymore, that you'll train better? Kiss their boo-boos? She'd done that with Ashley the night before, though it was more than just boo-boos that were being kissed. '_Heh, alright. Mental high-five...nailed it. Shit. Focus._'

"I don't know what you all want me to do here. I mean, I'm not gonna stop and it's not like I'm gonna screen my moves. I'm not a Washington Hacker." She smirked, though it faded when the only person who even showed an interest in her reference was James. What kind of team was she leading anyway?

"We'd like to not get our asses handed to us _by our own teammate._" James broke the silence, getting a nod from everyone. This was mutiny. It had to be. "You know how disorientating that blast is when you're in the middle of trying to keep yourself alive?" The muscle man tilted his head a bit, actually expecting an answer. Seriously?

"No. No I don't know, and I suppose you've concocted a way to show me how, right? I see you bouncing in your seat, Williams. Don't think I missed that." As if on cue, Ashley composed herself and nodded a bit, standing up.

"If you'll meet us down in the shuttle bay in twenty. Liara has to set up the blast radius. Come on, T'soni." The brunette getured for the blue woman to follow her and Shepard watched as she quickly complied and the two disappeared.

Garrus left as well, followed by EDI and James who threw a quick '_Bring your armor_' over his shoulder. With that, Shepard was left by herself, pouting down at her tray. The meal had such promise before those clowns had ruined it. She thought back to when Jack was still on board and quietly wondered if her suggestion for them being Space Pirates was still on the table. It was sounding pretty good right now, and at least a mutiny was expected with that. This? Bastards ruined her food.

Begrudgingly she tossed her meal, heading upstairs to change into her armor (which was just a pain because _hello_, lots of pieces to take on and off). As she secured her breather helmet on she stepped into the elevator and made her way down to the bottom level, rolling her eyes when she saw the set-up they'd made. "You guys need to stop watching archived episodes of that Science Blasters show. This isn't healthy." Damn their weird down time habits.

Admiring the biotic bubble that surrounded the middle of the shuttle bay, she growled when she was nudged in. She stopped in the middle and turned so she was facing her so called 'team'. "Alright, now what is this?" When she wasn't moving and trying to keep her ass alive in her armor, it was increasingly uncomfortable.

"We- EDI and myself have calculated approximately how many Newton units your Flare gives off, as well as the damage, radius and speed at which you throw them. After a formula was created we-" Liara was cut off by James, who now looked as excited as Ashley had before, both of them along with Garrus were standing in a firing squad style, hands behind their backs.

"We're gonna throw grenades at you so you can feel what we feel when you throw that ball of crazy!" Dammit, he was way too excited for this, she knew it was going to hurt.

"What he means.." Ashley spoke up, shaking her head when she realized that yeah. That's what they were going to do. "They aren't at full capacity. We had the armory cook them up for us so they'd do the same amount of damage and instability that your Flare does when we get stuck in the radius."

Yeah. That didn't help at all. "You're gonna throw grenades at your CO. There has to be a rule against this." Shepard shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest as her weight rested on one leg. She had this in the bag and they would know that if they could see her smirk from behind her breather.

"Actually, there is no rule or regulation in the Alliance Code of Ethics that states anything of that nature, Shepard. So long as they do not aim to overthrow you with an assassination plot; your squad can do as they please."

Fuck.

"...Not helping EDI. Thanks." Shepard grimaced as she unfolded her arms and let them drop to her sides. This was going to _suck_. She'd been spaced and that was almost looking like a better alternative than this. Her eyes rolled when she was answered with a sincere '_You're Welcome._' Sarcasm on an AI was not becoming at all. "Alright, alright. Can we just get this over with please? Will it make you big babies feel better to give me a taste of my own medicine? Is that it? You're willing to possibly injure your own CO because of a few close calls? What about teamwork? What about camaraderie? Has this war turned you all into monsters?!"

She really thought that was going to work, but when she saw three arms lift and three projectiles fly at her, she knew that it hadn't.

They all went off at the same time, sending her head rattling in her helmet and her step to be thrown off just a bit. Her shield alert was screaming for her to take cover and she felt like she'd been hit by a damn shuttle for a good second or two there. When everything finally stopped rattling she stared from beyond the slight blue shimmer of the containment shield and saw the satisfied grins of her ragtag team of douches. She couldn't give them the satisfaction of an apology after this, hell no. She wasn't going to take the high ground...the right thing. Fuck that, she was Commander Shepard. She punched reporters and headbutted Krogan _for fun_.

She pulled off her helmet, ran her fingers through her hair and raised a brow. "That's all you got? Jeeze. You guys are weak." Throwing a smirk back in their directions she went to take a step to go back to her quarters to change when suddenly, she became really good friends with the floor. Who the hell replaced her legs with jello molds?

A chorus of laughs broke out from in front of her and she growled, punching the ground to push herself up. Ashley slipped an arm around her waist to help her stand up and hipchecked her gently as to not topple her again. "What was that, Skip?"

"Shut up, Chief." She grumbled as they made their way to the elevator.

From that day forward, Shepard actually watched where her Flares went, making sure to curve them around things instead of the blind lobbing she'd been doing in the past. Would she ever dare admit that? Hell no, but to her team she was an open book and they saw right through her.

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Hi. I'm sorry. But I had to do this.


End file.
